Everything You've Ruined

I told myself that I would never write about you again. That it was actually better to spill coffee on myself than to write about you. Because writing about you burns worse.

But I can't help it. Thoughts of you still fuel the melancholic feeling and nostalgia that I should not even feel in the first place. You were my muse even before you left me to write on my own.

How can I not write about you? How can I even forget you when you've given me a lot to remember? I know. It's stupid to think like this. We were never even together in the first place. But my the feelings I felt for you were valid. The hurt and pain I'm feeling right now, they're valid too.

People say you have to distance yourself if you want to forget. I can't. I can't because no matter how far I was already, I still remember you. And I started hating myself remembering you. I started hating the things that reminded me of you.

You ruined my dream to go to Batanes. I can still hear your voice telling me that it was also your dream to bring your family there. To just see the picturesque place and experience the culture. And it was my dream Philippine destination. And I know, that when I ever go there, I will remember you again and how you wanted to go there too. How it could have been us traversing that beautiful place. And it will all come back to me. How we almost made it. And how we never did.

You ruined my favorite songs. We both love to listen to music. One time, I even asked you what song you like that time. I remember the song but I can't remember exactly what you said why. But I remember how you said it. I remember how you wanted me to connect with the song. I remember you wanting me to know that the song was for me. And everytime I hear that song, I can almost hear you singing it to me. I can almost hear your voice, singing the promise that no matter what happen, you'll always be there for me, like what the lyrics were all about. And I wanted to yell back. I wanted to snap and ask, where the hell are you now? And all my favorite Taylor Swift songs seems to be about you. And how can I forget you when I listen to Taylor Swift everyday?

You ruined my fairytale fantasy. I know, it was childish. But when I met you, that night in December, it was magical. The moment our eyes met, I felt sparks flying around us. That's when I started believing in fairytales again. But that happened years ago. And the Prince Charming is already having his "happily ever after" with another Princess (no pun intended).

You ruined my 23rd birthday. We have stopped our communications already that time. We haven't talked for months that time. I already deleted your number and deleted every trail of conversations we had. But the night before my birthday, I received a text form an unknown number. It was a birthday greeting and I politely replied a thank you and ask who the sender was. It was late that night when I sent the reply and I wasn't really expecting one. But when I woke up the next morning, there was another text from the unknown number. And the message was your name. And I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe you actually remembered my birthday (which you said how rude of me to think you'd ever forget). I couldn't believe you were reaching out after months of ignoring me and shutting me out. I couldn't believe that after you've done, you texted me like nothing ever happened. And because of that, I spent the day thinking about you again. I spent my 23rd birthday mad at myself that I let you in my thoughts again.

You ruined all that I've written before, all the stories, the poems, the prose. You were my favorite topic to write about back before. I've written about you in rhymes and stanzas, in detail and in vague. I would have wanted to throw the papers away, to burn them like how I was burning every time I read them. But they were my art. And I can't just do that.

You ruined the feeling of missing someone. You ruined the memories that were supposed to be happy. You ruined things that I never knew I even cared for. But of all the things you've ruined, I was the one left from the wreckage. I was the one who survived. And I won't left you ruin me again. The damage was enough. 

Regrets

No regrets.

I've told that to myself a hundred times this whole week. There was this opportunity and I will try. So whatever the outcome, I won't have any regrets.

But I do. I do.

The biggest regret comes from knowing that you tried. That you went throught it even though all you've got is your almost empty cracked bottle of second hand self confidence. And knowing you could've done better. But realizing you can't do anything about it, anyway.

I hate it when that happens. But it always happens. You never get what you want. Never. Most of the time, you're stuck at what you already have. And sometimes, you just have to make the best out of it.

As a consolation, maybe it wasn't exactly a regret, but a lesson. Somehow, it teaches you something. You have to learn from it or it's nothing but a waste of time.

But it wasn't. It was not a waste of time at all.

So what to do now? I might need some time refilling that bottle of second hand confidence. :(

Congratulations

So what do you do when that one person you thought you’re going to marry one day is actually about to get married to someone else? You cry? You get drunk? You talk to your friends? You confront him?

Me? I write this blog post.

I know, I’ve already expected it. The way their relationship looks like on Facebook seems to get serious. I know he’s so smitten by her and she’s in love with him as well. I could picture them getting married. Just not this soon.

His fiancé posted it. The video of their prenup and the news to their wedding was out. For an outsider to their relationship, example: me, it felt so rushed. Like they were hurrying for something. Maybe they’re just too in love? I’m not really sure.

His fiancé kept on posting. And knowing him, he’s a bit show-y of his feelings too. But all he has posted yet is him changing his cover photo. Not any post of proudness or of an announcement, or even replies to those comments of congratulations.

And that got me wondering. How is he keeping up? How does he feel right now? Is he okay? Is he feeling overwhelmed?

As much as I wanted to talk to him, I can’t because simply…we don’t talk to each other anymore. That would be embarassing and awkward. But I hope this wedding is his decision too. I hope he doesn’t do this because he had to, but because he wanted to. I hope he’s doing well. I hope he doesn’t think about me as much as I think about him. I hope they make each other happy.

I might’ve sound a bit ridiculous back there but that’s the truth. I wan the best for him. I’m glad that he’s found “The One” when I’m still fighting through the jungle full of Mr. Wrongs.

I just wish that whay we had before, if he ever felt the same thing as I did, I wish he wouldn’t forget how much I was here for him. Even though I know I can’t tell him.

So, congratulations on finding your forever.