Let's Not See Each Other Again, Shall We?

How it is that you haven't seen someone for a while and when you actually saw him again, all the feelings and memories come rushing forward like it all happened just yesterday.

How the hell?

You haven't seen him for a few months. You stopped stalking his social media pages. You almost thought you already forgot his face. You haven't talked to him in a while. You thought he already deleted your number.

But the most unexpected moment came. And he was there. He was just a few feet away. You saw him and you're quite sure he saw you too. Even in a span of a nano second, you locked eyes with him. And your heart drummed inside your chest.

You looked away. Why is he there? What is he doing here? Has he seen me?

He was the one who started ignoring you. He's the one who seemed to not care anymore. And you just go along with it. Because you hate getting hurt. You're already getting attached so you distanced yourself too. If he doesn't care, why should you?

You're a little panic-y because you can feel his eyes on your back. He's looking at you and you know it. So when a bus came, you get in it. But it wasn't moving yet. And you're sitting by the window directly right where he is. And you felt his stare again.

Then your phone chimes with a text. You weren't expecting to see his name. The name you haven't seen there in a while. He was asking where you're going...like you have been just talking to him a minute ago...like he really cares.

You pretended to be surprised by the text and you look around. You faked a smile when you locked eyes with him. He smiled back. That smile that once made you swoon. You quickly looked away pretending you're a little too fascinated by the TV on the bus.

You continued to exchange text messages with him. Until he was the one to cut the conversation short again. But you already expected that, didn't you? You already know he won't be talking to you for a while again only to come back like nothing ever happened.

And you pretend like it's okay. Because you had to be okay. Because what ever it is that you're feeling right now, one day, you hope, it won't even matter. That one day, you'll finally won't care anymore.

Done Reading UNDONE

Undone. How perfect a word can be. How perfect a title can suit a story.

We're talking about "Undone" by Cat Clarke here. I actually don't want to talk about it. I was trying to keep my mouth shut because I am afraid that the moment I start to talk about it, I'm going cry (sob) and I'm not going to stop ever.

But in a way, I want to get it out. Write about it. Pour it in paper (wordpad, in exact). I want to write about it so one day, when I'm fully moved on and recovered (never gonna happen) from the story, I can read this post and reminisce it.

This may be totally dramatic. And I may be trying to fight the tears right now. But everyone's allowed to be emotional, right?

So let me start so I can get back in the corner of my room and just sob over Jemima Halliday's story.

I've had that book (epub) in my library (electronic) for like months before what I call The Day. I've always have it there but I never really had a chance to read it. So when The Day came, I was kind of really really bored and it was the night that I actually couldn't sleep. And so I settled myself. I opened the "Random Bookshelf" in my library and it was the book that caught my eye. It was right there. Third book on top. With the cover of a girl in a dress facing back. About to jump off. And there was that word. The title. It was almost like a spell.

I selected the book, trying to open the options tab if there is a synopsis. There is none. I was kind of disappointed. I find it a bit scary to read a book without reading the back page. But it also is kind of exciting, not knowing what to expect. So I was fighting with two options in my head: a) I'm going to leave it there. Not reading it until I know what to expect from it, or b) Read it and let's see where I'll go. I chose B.

I opened the book with such anticipation. I didn't know Cat Clarke. I haven't read any of her books before. And then there was the prologue right before my eyes. Then I couldn't stop. I couldn't let go of it.

I think it was because I am kind of a Jemima Halliday myself. We have things in common, I guess.

It was when Kai died that I felt more into this book. It was that absorbing and so good. I felt it through me. The book is like shouting everything it needs to say. And I think, it did well in that category.

I did find myself crying in some parts of it. There were moments when I'd just bit my lip just so the tears won't come out. And then... Then I came to the end.

The end is–

I don't even know how to describe it. It was... It was painful...devastatingly and depressingly painful. I will never forget Jem's last thought. Her last sentence, to be exact. I will never forget how badly it was stuck in my head. How I gasp and cried when I've read it: “I chose life too late.”

I think it was the saddest thing someone could ever say. When I was finished reading, I felt odd. Weirdly odd. I became so absorb in the story. I didn't expect she'd actually do it. And that last chapter...

There were so many what ifs and if only’s right after. It could have been better, or at least okay with Jem, Lucas and Sasha. But I think that why I liked the story so much. Because it was some book where the reader was not allowed to dictate what's going to happen. It allowed it self to end in a way that it thinks will happen. A stinging slap in the face of happy endings.

And I think it's one of those books that has never finished what it wants to say. Although it was almost shouting at the reader, there's still that feeling that it was not yet done. Not that way. Not like that.

It was somewhat unfair for the story to end just there. I hangs around just at that perfect moment. But it is also why I liked it so much. How ironic, right? I find it unfair because it hangs right there and I like it so much because it hangs right there.

Others may find it just an ordinary young adult novel. But if you try to look beyond the surface, there are a lot more to it. It was like a fancy facade in front of a deep well.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure out how to forget Jem, Kai, Lucas, and Sasha. But I think, the story will stay me for a while (forever). :)

-S

The World Taking a Wrong Turn

A zig zag. A road bump. Then crash.

That's how it is in real life. Shattered. Trashed. Broken. Everything is easily destroyed because of one wrong turn. All the length you've travel to seems worthless. And you're left in the middle of the road, looking as confused as you ever will.

Confused. That's exactly how I felt right now. You know, I've never stumbled upon an ever so right word in my life as the word CONFUSED.

I hate looking at my life and realizing I don't really know anything. Like was it really my life or am I looking at somebody else's life? Someone I don't know.

You know, when you had your downward spiral you became obsessed not to repeat it again. But then that obsession is a little too strong that you became unaware of other downward spirals that could possibly happen. And then that downward spiral will grow with the negative thoughts inside your head, worsen by the fear of what the world and the universe could do to you.

I've had my downward spirals. Many times. Times when you thought everything is going great, when it so seemed that life is falling into place. You know, as they say, things are too good to be true. That's when it hit you. That's when you fall into the trap where you can never get back. You lose track of your  journey. You see yourself looking around an unfamiliar hell. Somewhere you've never been. Then you start to see yourself in a way you've never seen yourself before.

You'll realize a lot of things. The demons inside you will definitely find it amusing. But that's not the worse. Sometimes, you let those demons to control you just so they'll stop pestering you. But never would they stop ones you let them. They will never be gone.

Confused as it may seem, you have to hop back in your car. Get on the track. But no, do not drive back. There is no time in going back in life. You just have to find a way where you can get on the right track again. Sometimes, it's just a matter of which way to turn.

-S