To the Guy I Waited But Never Came

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about you personally. I’m not sure if I can already talk about it again without getting nostalgic. Maybe it’s because I’ve met someone after what happened to us. Or maybe bacause I know I’m still hurting in some ways. Even though it’s been a year since it happened.

You don’t remember, do you? You don’t even admit to feeling the same way. I think you never did, really. It was just me and my over working imagination thinking what I’ve felt was mutual.

How long has it been since we first met? Eight years? Nine? I can’t be sure. But I’ll tell you what, that moment,  it felt magical. You probably knew me before I heard about you. I’m not really that good knowing people from other class. But I’m one of the active members of our class so you might’ve already heard about me.

It’s that cliché story of heartbreak. We’ve came across each other. We talked. We got closer. We share secrets. We tell each other (some, or maybe most) of our feelings. Everybody could tell we could work. Everybody sees it. But us. I waited. I waited because I though we belong to each other and that maybe you just needed a little push. That maybe we’re both waiting to be ready. I waited for years. You showed me that you cared. You made me feel that what I felt was mutual. Or was it just me?

Years went by and you were sweeter than usual. We were sweeter than usual. And then all of a sudden, I can’t find you. You weren’t texting, you weren’t calling, let alone a Facebook status. It’s been a few weeks and I was so paranoid. What have I done wrong?

Then one morning, you changed your Facebook profile photo. A photo of you and her. And that moment, when my heart was breaking into pieces, I was so sure I’ve already lost you. I will never find you again and I will never get you back.

And I know you’re happy now. And sometimes I get that twinge of feeling that I miss you. Or maybe I just missed how you used to be. How we used to be. But I know I can never have that back. I can never have us back. You’re gone forever and you’ll never return no matter how long I wait.

So one day, I just stopped. I stopped waiting. I stopped caring. I stopped hurting. I don’t know how it happened but I just did. You don’t cross my mind that much anymore. I don’t miss you anymore. And I learned how it is without you.

My heart doesn’t echo your name anymore. And it’s on its way finding what’s meant for me.

Not Into Coincidences

It happened several times. I’m not really sure if it’s coincidences. Maybe more like… fate?

Okay. Here it goes. Personally, I do believe in destiny. I’ve grew up reading fairytales and believing that everything happens because there’s this more powerful God making it happen.

And somehow… maybe it did happen to me. No not destiny. But I’ve been a victim of that was-it-really-just-a-coincidence moment. I’ll tell two recent stories.

First happened last March. I dreamed about a guy. The guy I thought I almost had a relationship with. The guy I thought I was destined with but is now dating someone else exclusively.

In my dream, we seemed to be at a luncheon which was set up outside a huge house. There was a long table and there were other guests. We were sitting opposite each other at one far end of the table. But we weren’t talking. It was so awkward.

When I woke up, I was like, “what the hell!?”

I hate it when I remember him. And that time, I’m not sure I had finally moved on from what happened. So all day, even at work, I was seriously wondering why I dreamed about him. I’ve learned to trust my dreams already. That when I dream of something and I happen to remember it, it somehow happens.

So when I went home from the office, when I rode the bus even I was standing inside, I was kind of relieved that nothing happened that day. But when I gazed at the windows that becomes a mirror of people inside because of the glass reflection, I saw him. He was also standing a mere 3 feet away from me.

I’m not sure if he saw me too that time. But he must have. I turned my back and faced the opposite side, slowly, making sure he wouldn’t notice.

Then the girl in front of him called me. She said she’s getting off and I could take her seat. I was almost hesitant. Because even if he didn’t see me at the mirror window, sitting there will make him definitely see me.

Reluctanly, I still took the seat. But the moment I was seated, I pulled my earphones from my bag and pretended I was sleeping. It was so awkward that make me think about what happened in my dream. It was almost the same. We were there, we have the chance, but we weren’t talking.

And then the second was this. It happened just a while ago, actually.

We have this Kris Kringle thing at the office. The theme issomething that reminds you of your previous someone. Not my thing actually. Especially that I don’t really want to be reminded of any previous someone.

After what happened with me and that guy I was talking about above (which I think is better as personal story than a blog post, really). I met someone. And maybe I was destined to have almost relationships, but not real ones.

So, when they said I need a gift about a previous someone, I was thinking about this new guy. There was a lot that reninds me of him. But maybe the most is our love for Ed Sheeran. Especially his album, Multiply. That was the only thing that we share the same. That was why for a while, I stopped listening to Ed’s songs because I don’t want to remember him.

So I figured, I could get an Ed Sheeran key chain.

And when I was about to get home, I saw him. Really. The new guy. He was standing ahead of me, looking at me. I took a double look when I realized it was him. I held on to my pocket where the key chain was, suddenly afraid that it might fall and he would see.

I gave him a fake smile. Something I hoped didn’t look fake at all. And after that, I didn’t look at his direction again.

So tonight, I was having a really hard time going to sleep because of this coincidences. But maybe those things were meant to happen for a reason beyond my understanding. But I would be glad to know why.

Mom, Are You Okay?

You know I’m not good in saying it out loud. You know me more than anyone else. And I know you so well too. I know when you’re not acting normal. So…

Mom, are you okay? You’ve been quiet this past few days. You weren’t talking much. You weren’t eating enough. You weren’t laughing as much as you used too.

So dumb of me to even ask, right? I know you’re not okay. But I just wanted to hear from you that you are. I just wanted you say it. Even though it’s all a lie.

Who am I kidding? I don’t want you to feel any less better. I want the best for you so please stop saying that you want the best for us. We know that already, okay? Right now, you need us. And we need you, Mom. So please let us do this for you. Let us be here for you this time.

I can feel your uncomfort and sadness everytime we talk about what you’re going through. I know you just wanted this to be over. We do, too. But more than that, we wanted you to be okay.

We will fight through this. We will fight with you. And we will win this. Because we’re strong. Be cause we can.

So let me ask it again…Mom, are you okay?

A Little Bit of Maine Mendoza and AlDub

Maine Mendoza. She's the half of which I consider the most talked about love team right now. She's the Dubsmash Queen of the Philippines. She's the face of most TV commercials. And like her twitter bio says, yup, she's that girl.

Better known as Yaya Dub, the supposed to be "masungit" and "suplada" nanny of the old, rich woman, Lola Nidora. She's one of the reasons why people started enjoying TV again. She's the reason why people who don't usually use the internet, now even have Twitter accounts (some of my relatives included).

Truth is, I didn't start off as a fan. I work long hours from Mondays to Saturdays so there really is no way I can watch TV. My sister was the one in our family who usually gushes about ALDUB. Then I started seeing it on my Facebook feed. It was all over Twitter, too.

What is it exactly and why is everyone seemed so enthralled with it? I became so curious. But not so much that I'd actually start watching it. But still just curious.

Then there came the episode when Alden and Maine are going to perform against each other for the wildcard spot for Eat Bulaga's Dabarkads Pa More segment. Or need I say it, the famous Plywood Incident.

It was Saturday and the moment I went home, my sister gushes over the episode. But that wasn't the amusing thing about it. My Dad was talking about it too! I mean, my Dad who only watches news, documentaries, and sports on TV. My Dad who hates it when me and my sister fangirls over our favorite show or favorite celebrities.

That sudden change of my Dad made me watch it. I mean, if that wasn't enough to make me watch ALDUB, then I don't know what else is.

I watched clips from that Eat Bulaga episode. Just clips. I don't exactly have time to watch whole episodes. It was okay but I wasn't that hooked yet. What got me hooked was the episode the following Saturday. Need clues? Blindfold, van, starbucks, Duh-Rizz. That Saturday when they trended #ALDUBTheAbduction.

That was the first episode that I watched from start to finish. Why? Partly because when I came home that day, my Dad said: "Di mo napanuod 'yung Eat Bulaga! Ang Ganda! Galing talaga nila!" with so much amusement in his face.

I watched it that night and it was then that I became a converted ALDUB fan. That was when I started watching replay episodes every night since I don't get to watch it live. That was when I started looking for previous episodes, too.

What amused me was learning that everything about it was unplanned. Or at least it doesn't seem to me. Watching the first episodes of then the Problem Solving segment of Eat Bulaga, I realized that Yaya Dub's character wasn't created as joyful and energetic as she seemed right now. She was supposed to be more suplada and masungit than Lola Nidora.

Then there came the infamous July 16 episode. The day when it all began. Alden, as handsome as always, was seated in the front of the studio watching. Yaya Dub was doing her usual dubsmash thing. Alden's face was being shown on the other half of the split screen while Maine does her thing. When she noticed him watching her, her eyes bulge in surprise and she became timid. The next thing that happen was trully amusing.

How was it that the suplada and masungit Yaya seems to be smiling and shy? I believe it was Allan K who pointed it out.

"Hala si Yaya naco-conscious! Si Yaya nagpapa-cute!"

That teasing gave birth to the Pabebe Wave. If you haven't done it in your selfies, I'm pretty sure you know someone who already did. I mean, I did even changed my Twitter photo during that National Pabebe Wave Day when ALDUB Nation trended #AlDubEBforLove, and earned 25.6 million tweets.

I think what makes ALDUB and Kalyeserye a hit is Maine Mendoza herself. She's this simple girl in the nanny apron. She makes faces. She dubsmashes to communicate. She's got a very unique personality. And she happens to have an undying crush to a really handsome guy (I'm looking at you Alden Richards). Who wouldn't relate to that?

It was like a modern fairytale. They're like the Cinderella and Prince Charming. And everyone's rooting for the commoner for the prince.

What I love about Maine Mendoza is that she's unique. She's refreshing to watch. She's not afraid to make funny faces or to make a laugh out of herself. She's a very natural commidiene. She can express herself in mere facial expressions.

I admire her because she inspires a lot of young girls out there. She's the living proof that dreams do come true. And if it happened to her, it can all happen to us in a different way.

I've read news articles about them and about her. One says that stardom hasn't sinked in to Maine. And it makes me aaahhhh! because it means she's still that girl we all love. The girl we believe she is. Her face is very Bulakenya, very Filipina. Okay, maybe I'm a bit biased there (fellow Bulakenya here! *pabebe wave*). But really she's got a very distinct beauty we don't usually see on TV. And she's not afraid to take off her make up at the end of the day and take some wacky photos of herself. Kudos for that, Meng!

And the fans! ALDUB Nation is the fandom with a purpose. I remember the MaiDen Bulacan chapter having a gift giving at the Home for the Aged in Malolos, Bulacan and Maine's Dad was actually there to support it! Then ALDUB Nation also did a blood letting project with Philippine Red Cross. I mean, I was so great to know that we (yes, I'm included) are not only fans who make them the top trending topic everyday but we also gather together to help others.

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines even gave an award to the Kalyeserye for promoting values among the youth. Maine, Alden, Wally (as Lola Nidora), and ALDUB Nation all received an award. Which is something you'd be proud of. It's not everyday that the TV shows and celebrities or even fandoms receive and award from the church.

The thing about ALDUB and Kalyeserye is that the mere thought about it makes me smile. Yes, I sometimes look crazy, but I do. They make me laugh each time. The TNT sisters (Tinidora, Nidora and Tidora) played by Jose, Wally, and Paolo, respectively, never fails to make me laugh with their adlib and skits. Lola Nidora's Babalaaaaa (asawa ni) lines, the ever so famous sa tamang panahon, and dancing (or maybe cramping) Dessert. Tinidora's Mambo No.5 and Let's Get Loud dance routines with the help of the ladder and her dead looking Quandos. And who would not recognize Tidora's wide open mouth laugh, her squeal, and the now popular Regine! Woooooh!. I'll never get tired of those crazy antics.

Just a little personal story. It was one Saturday when I was on leave in the office. I wen to this thrift shop. They usually play background music in the store and that day their playlist are full of songs that Alden and Maine uses in their dubsmash. People seemed to be enjoying the show and some even started singing along. It was almost lunch time and while I was in line at the cashier, I heard the lady behind me said: "Anong oras na ba? Malapit na mag-Eat Bulaga. Baka 'di na ako umabot". Truth is, I was having the same thoughts with her. 😁

Then what happened next was this: God Gave Me You came on the speakers and almost everyone there squealed! Really! The effect of that song to Yaya Dub became very contagious to people who watch the show and it was really fun to see.

Then Alden held a show in Robinsons Place Malolos. I was there and it was so jam packed with fans from all ages. Seriously! We arrived there at around 2pm and there was already a long line at the entrance of the mall because the mall (which have 4 floors) is almost full. Me and my friend rode the escalator and there was this pair of old lolas behind us. What I heard made me smile: "Bagay talaga sila! Grabe, buong buhay ko, sa tanda kong 'to, ngayon lang ako magkaganito."

The stage was ready as early as then and people where already around the mall finding a place where they can watch the other half of ALDUB perform. They were playing music from the set up speakers on the stage. Then at around 3pm when I was sure that Alden won't be there yet because Eat Bulaga probably just finished, God Gave Me You played and people screamed! I'm serious! They really screamed like they thought Alden was already there. And I wished I caught it on video. 😂

And one more very personal thing. I honestly stopped listening to Thinking Out Loud. I learned to hate it everytime I hear it because it reminds me of something (okay, fine...of someone). The mere intro of the song made me roll my eyes. But then ALDUB gave me another meaning for the song. It reminded me how beautiful that song is. And everytime I hear it, all I remember now is how Alden dubsmashes it for Maine. (Or how Baeby Baste sang it for Yaya Dub, which is really funny)

I really, really, really hope to meet Maine Mendoza one day. I wanted to tell her in person how much of an inspiration she is. I wanted to thank her for making me laugh, for giving me so much good vibes, and for reminding me the true Filipino values.

From one Bulakenya to another, all I can say is this: Way to go, Meng! 👍;)

Love,
@sarahnewville

Let's Not See Each Other Again, Shall We?

How it is that you haven't seen someone for a while and when you actually saw him again, all the feelings and memories come rushing forward like it all happened just yesterday.

How the hell?

You haven't seen him for a few months. You stopped stalking his social media pages. You almost thought you already forgot his face. You haven't talked to him in a while. You thought he already deleted your number.

But the most unexpected moment came. And he was there. He was just a few feet away. You saw him and you're quite sure he saw you too. Even in a span of a nano second, you locked eyes with him. And your heart drummed inside your chest.

You looked away. Why is he there? What is he doing here? Has he seen me?

He was the one who started ignoring you. He's the one who seemed to not care anymore. And you just go along with it. Because you hate getting hurt. You're already getting attached so you distanced yourself too. If he doesn't care, why should you?

You're a little panic-y because you can feel his eyes on your back. He's looking at you and you know it. So when a bus came, you get in it. But it wasn't moving yet. And you're sitting by the window directly right where he is. And you felt his stare again.

Then your phone chimes with a text. You weren't expecting to see his name. The name you haven't seen there in a while. He was asking where you're going...like you have been just talking to him a minute ago...like he really cares.

You pretended to be surprised by the text and you look around. You faked a smile when you locked eyes with him. He smiled back. That smile that once made you swoon. You quickly looked away pretending you're a little too fascinated by the TV on the bus.

You continued to exchange text messages with him. Until he was the one to cut the conversation short again. But you already expected that, didn't you? You already know he won't be talking to you for a while again only to come back like nothing ever happened.

And you pretend like it's okay. Because you had to be okay. Because what ever it is that you're feeling right now, one day, you hope, it won't even matter. That one day, you'll finally won't care anymore.