To the Guy I Waited But Never Came

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about you personally. I’m not sure if I can already talk about it again without getting nostalgic. Maybe it’s because I’ve met someone after what happened to us. Or maybe bacause I know I’m still hurting in some ways. Even though it’s been a year since it happened.

You don’t remember, do you? You don’t even admit to feeling the same way. I think you never did, really. It was just me and my over working imagination thinking what I’ve felt was mutual.

How long has it been since we first met? Eight years? Nine? I can’t be sure. But I’ll tell you what, that moment,  it felt magical. You probably knew me before I heard about you. I’m not really that good knowing people from other class. But I’m one of the active members of our class so you might’ve already heard about me.

It’s that cliché story of heartbreak. We’ve came across each other. We talked. We got closer. We share secrets. We tell each other (some, or maybe most) of our feelings. Everybody could tell we could work. Everybody sees it. But us. I waited. I waited because I though we belong to each other and that maybe you just needed a little push. That maybe we’re both waiting to be ready. I waited for years. You showed me that you cared. You made me feel that what I felt was mutual. Or was it just me?

Years went by and you were sweeter than usual. We were sweeter than usual. And then all of a sudden, I can’t find you. You weren’t texting, you weren’t calling, let alone a Facebook status. It’s been a few weeks and I was so paranoid. What have I done wrong?

Then one morning, you changed your Facebook profile photo. A photo of you and her. And that moment, when my heart was breaking into pieces, I was so sure I’ve already lost you. I will never find you again and I will never get you back.

And I know you’re happy now. And sometimes I get that twinge of feeling that I miss you. Or maybe I just missed how you used to be. How we used to be. But I know I can never have that back. I can never have us back. You’re gone forever and you’ll never return no matter how long I wait.

So one day, I just stopped. I stopped waiting. I stopped caring. I stopped hurting. I don’t know how it happened but I just did. You don’t cross my mind that much anymore. I don’t miss you anymore. And I learned how it is without you.

My heart doesn’t echo your name anymore. And it’s on its way finding what’s meant for me.

Not Into Coincidences

It happened several times. I’m not really sure if it’s coincidences. Maybe more like… fate?

Okay. Here it goes. Personally, I do believe in destiny. I’ve grew up reading fairytales and believing that everything happens because there’s this more powerful God making it happen.

And somehow… maybe it did happen to me. No not destiny. But I’ve been a victim of that was-it-really-just-a-coincidence moment. I’ll tell two recent stories.

First happened last March. I dreamed about a guy. The guy I thought I almost had a relationship with. The guy I thought I was destined with but is now dating someone else exclusively.

In my dream, we seemed to be at a luncheon which was set up outside a huge house. There was a long table and there were other guests. We were sitting opposite each other at one far end of the table. But we weren’t talking. It was so awkward.

When I woke up, I was like, “what the hell!?”

I hate it when I remember him. And that time, I’m not sure I had finally moved on from what happened. So all day, even at work, I was seriously wondering why I dreamed about him. I’ve learned to trust my dreams already. That when I dream of something and I happen to remember it, it somehow happens.

So when I went home from the office, when I rode the bus even I was standing inside, I was kind of relieved that nothing happened that day. But when I gazed at the windows that becomes a mirror of people inside because of the glass reflection, I saw him. He was also standing a mere 3 feet away from me.

I’m not sure if he saw me too that time. But he must have. I turned my back and faced the opposite side, slowly, making sure he wouldn’t notice.

Then the girl in front of him called me. She said she’s getting off and I could take her seat. I was almost hesitant. Because even if he didn’t see me at the mirror window, sitting there will make him definitely see me.

Reluctanly, I still took the seat. But the moment I was seated, I pulled my earphones from my bag and pretended I was sleeping. It was so awkward that make me think about what happened in my dream. It was almost the same. We were there, we have the chance, but we weren’t talking.

And then the second was this. It happened just a while ago, actually.

We have this Kris Kringle thing at the office. The theme issomething that reminds you of your previous someone. Not my thing actually. Especially that I don’t really want to be reminded of any previous someone.

After what happened with me and that guy I was talking about above (which I think is better as personal story than a blog post, really). I met someone. And maybe I was destined to have almost relationships, but not real ones.

So, when they said I need a gift about a previous someone, I was thinking about this new guy. There was a lot that reninds me of him. But maybe the most is our love for Ed Sheeran. Especially his album, Multiply. That was the only thing that we share the same. That was why for a while, I stopped listening to Ed’s songs because I don’t want to remember him.

So I figured, I could get an Ed Sheeran key chain.

And when I was about to get home, I saw him. Really. The new guy. He was standing ahead of me, looking at me. I took a double look when I realized it was him. I held on to my pocket where the key chain was, suddenly afraid that it might fall and he would see.

I gave him a fake smile. Something I hoped didn’t look fake at all. And after that, I didn’t look at his direction again.

So tonight, I was having a really hard time going to sleep because of this coincidences. But maybe those things were meant to happen for a reason beyond my understanding. But I would be glad to know why.

Mom, Are You Okay?

You know I’m not good in saying it out loud. You know me more than anyone else. And I know you so well too. I know when you’re not acting normal. So…

Mom, are you okay? You’ve been quiet this past few days. You weren’t talking much. You weren’t eating enough. You weren’t laughing as much as you used too.

So dumb of me to even ask, right? I know you’re not okay. But I just wanted to hear from you that you are. I just wanted you say it. Even though it’s all a lie.

Who am I kidding? I don’t want you to feel any less better. I want the best for you so please stop saying that you want the best for us. We know that already, okay? Right now, you need us. And we need you, Mom. So please let us do this for you. Let us be here for you this time.

I can feel your uncomfort and sadness everytime we talk about what you’re going through. I know you just wanted this to be over. We do, too. But more than that, we wanted you to be okay.

We will fight through this. We will fight with you. And we will win this. Because we’re strong. Be cause we can.

So let me ask it again…Mom, are you okay?