Just Another Useless Wish

Have you ever wished that your life is perfect? You can buy
everything. You have a perfect family.

Well, I do.

It kills me everytime I see my mom on the verge of tears. And it's all
because it's not the same anymore. It's because everything has
changed.

The tears were the proof of the pain that comes with knowing that
we've got nothing left to lose. Literally. I had no idea how we
survived a whole year. And now, suddenly, everyone can't do it
anymore. Just when I was about to finish college. Just when I'm
desperate to get a job.

Everyone suddenly got tired of living this miserable life. And I'm
torn in the middle not knowing what to do.

I had all these dreams to make it all better. But it was like nobody
cares. I wonder if I would be able to graduate college now. I had no
money to pay for graduation. I can't even afford to finish my
internship. Just when there's only two weeks left of it.

I know somehow I had to make a decision. I should choose whether to go
until graduation or I could just stop right now. But either way, the
consequences were indeniable. If I continue, where would I get the
money for all the fees I had to pay? Where would I get an allowance to
continue my internship? But if I stop, my dreams will suffer.
Everything that I workhard for the last 4 years will be wasted.
Everyone will be disappointed. I will be the laugh in the
conversations. The high school salutatorian, the Dean's Lister who
wasn't even able to finish college when it's just a month and a half
away from graduation.

I'm being pathetic. But if you'd ever be in my situation, you'll feel the same.

The situation just became harder to bear because I had no friends
right now. I mean, they're away. I haven't seen much of them. And my
friends right now is not like my friends from highschool. I don't
know, but I find it hard to confide in them. I'm afraid they would
just laugh at me or that they won't even care if I miserable.

So it gets more painful...and I just wish I can survive.



-S-

Insecurity Alert

The thing about insecurity is that you never get over it. It stays
with you no matter how you try to deny it...no matter how much you try
to over come it.

It's still there. And you feel stupid about it. Because you're not
supposed to feel insecure anymore. You're supposed to be a grown up
who has confidence.

But confidence was never a friend. It's a traitor that leaves you when
you needed it the most. And then you're left with your best friend
insecurity, yet again.

Moments will come when you thought you've over come your insecurity.
But then one thing will happen that will make you realize that you
still got it. It's still there...even just in the back of your mind.

I realized that you never really get over insecurity. It builds up
inside you. The only thing you can do about it is to hide it...or at
least you try to. Though, it's really hard work, you should never let
others know how insecure or stupid you feel.

Well, maybe they say insecurity is for the weak. Who cares?! Everyone
have insecurities. Others are just experts at hiding it.

For the record, not because you're insecure, doesn't mean you're weak.
And confidence is not a symbol of being strong.



-S-

GirlNextDooritis

The thing about moving on is that I know it's all just words. I don't
really move on. I just tell everyone that I'm moving on because I
think that's what they wanted to hear...because I was supposed to be
moving on.

But truth is, I'm not. I'm not moving on because no matter how much I
tell myself to do it, to forget, to get on with my life, I know I
can't.

I know there's still this part of me that would want to see him, to
talk to him, to be with him. There's still this stupid girl that is so
in love with him.

I'm being honest here so I better tell everything. I don't care if he
reads this because I care for him too much. To tell you the truth,
since that day that he told me that he wanted to try to work out
things between us, I've been patiently waiting for him. I know it's
stupid to wait especially since it's been more than two years already.
But I'm willing to be stupid if it means waiting for him.

I'm still not sure if he really had feelings for me or if it's just a
ridiculous little attraction that never blossomed. But call me the
girl who falls for Mr. Slow-Motion. I'm not sure if it ever crossed
his mind that I've been pinning for him all this time. I don't know if
he even realize how much I care for him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate everything about him. But I
just can't. I just can't bring myself to hold a grudge against him.
How can I when my feelings for him is much stronger than the hate I
could ever feel?

I know. I know it's really, really crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But maybe I'm just crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. And I hate being crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But I think that's just how you're supposed to feel when
you're in love with a guy who doesn't love you back.


-S-