Just Another Useless Wish

Have you ever wished that your life is perfect? You can buy
everything. You have a perfect family.

Well, I do.

It kills me everytime I see my mom on the verge of tears. And it's all
because it's not the same anymore. It's because everything has
changed.

The tears were the proof of the pain that comes with knowing that
we've got nothing left to lose. Literally. I had no idea how we
survived a whole year. And now, suddenly, everyone can't do it
anymore. Just when I was about to finish college. Just when I'm
desperate to get a job.

Everyone suddenly got tired of living this miserable life. And I'm
torn in the middle not knowing what to do.

I had all these dreams to make it all better. But it was like nobody
cares. I wonder if I would be able to graduate college now. I had no
money to pay for graduation. I can't even afford to finish my
internship. Just when there's only two weeks left of it.

I know somehow I had to make a decision. I should choose whether to go
until graduation or I could just stop right now. But either way, the
consequences were indeniable. If I continue, where would I get the
money for all the fees I had to pay? Where would I get an allowance to
continue my internship? But if I stop, my dreams will suffer.
Everything that I workhard for the last 4 years will be wasted.
Everyone will be disappointed. I will be the laugh in the
conversations. The high school salutatorian, the Dean's Lister who
wasn't even able to finish college when it's just a month and a half
away from graduation.

I'm being pathetic. But if you'd ever be in my situation, you'll feel the same.

The situation just became harder to bear because I had no friends
right now. I mean, they're away. I haven't seen much of them. And my
friends right now is not like my friends from highschool. I don't
know, but I find it hard to confide in them. I'm afraid they would
just laugh at me or that they won't even care if I miserable.

So it gets more painful...and I just wish I can survive.



-S-