I Hate That I Hate You... Sometimes

 I know it’s insane to write this down here. But I b had no choice. I know I have to blurt it out somehow… ever I’m aware of the big risk of YOU reading this.

I know I shouldn’t hate you. I know you know I don’t hate you. But it’s crazy. I hate myself for hating you at times when you’re the most irritating and annoying person around. I know I act like the greatest actress on the planet. But seriously, I didn’t want to be a hating psychopath. I never want to be someone who has those hating grudges inside me. But everytime we’re together, I’m being the biggest sinner on earth.

I want YOU to read this. But I don’t want to tell your name. you’ll hate me back when you read this. You may even loath me. But just so you know, even though there are time that I hate you, I still care. I will always care.

I know. It’s odd. It’s weird.

But if ever you’re reading this, I’m sorry. And I promise that I will try not to hate you. Because when I’m realizing I hate you, I’m hating myself more. And that feeling sucks so bad.

I’m really, seriously, genuinely SORRY.

-S-

RUNAWAY PRINCESS

I know life has the mere tendency to be complicated. I know a lot of people consider it unfair. There’s that thick wall separating a good and bad life.

And there are times that I just wanted to runaway from it. There are times that I just wanted to pop out of reality and go to a world of my own… a world where I can be whoever I want to be and I can do whatever I want to do.

It’s kind of crazy. But it’s how I feel. You know, when you’ve been constantly scolded by your parents and everyone around you thinks that you’re a freak. When the world already turned its back from you. When the sun forgot to shine and darkness is all around.

When everybody is outspokenly humiliating me… I just can’t help it. I wish I was gone on a real far away land of fairytales. I wish I could just jump inside a book and live there. Forever… because I can’t go on with a fake smile every single day. I can’t go on with that mask all the time.

When pain drowns you, trust me, no matter how good a person you are, you’ll feel the same way. And you’ll realize that everybody is laughing, making fun of you. You’ll want to escape reality like I do. Not because you don’t want to be there anymore… but because it’s just hurting you so much. And no matter how fearless you are, you’re human. Your heart’s not a stone.

I’d always caught myself, staring at a distance, thinking of a life I always wanted to have. I know running away won’t change anything. I know, somehow, it might just make things worse. But nobody cares. So why would I?

If I run, no one will care. It will make no difference for them. They may not even bother looking for me. Why would they? Why waste their most precious time?

“No one’s there when you shed a tear

Nobody will care for you, my dear

That pain in your heart will not fade away

Only you can make it all okay.”

The Elf-Witch

Once upon a time, in a far away four-cornered kingdom of seniors who fight with pens and papers, in a battle of knowledge and learning. The Princess ruled the kingdom. She was supposed to control everything, together with her allied army. But there was a group of another army who wanted to sabotage her reign.

On a battle of numbers and conclusions, it was a cold night of brain draining, while the Princess is talking to her friends from the kingdom, the Elf-Witch made an appearance.

The Princess is talking with her friends about something funny and they were laughing quietly. Other people from the kingdom are out to recharge for the next part of the battle. The Main Ruler is writing the game plan. All of a sudden, the Elf-Witch gave the Princess and her friends an incredulous look and hushed them off. The Princess and her friends just looked at each other, annoyed at what the Elf-Witch did. They weren’t even talking too loud to be hushed.

On an afternoon of boredom, while the Princess is away and trying to prepare for a battle, the Elf-Witch goes to her friends. The Elf-Witch is supposed to do a job for one of the Main Rulers of giving copies of the game plan for battle to everyone in the kingdom, but she didn’t do her job. Instead, she said to Golden Voice (a friend of the Princess) in a wicked voice: “Here, do thy job you’re a friend of thee Princess.”

Golden Voice’s blood rose. And another friend, Book Smart, looked at her. Why are they being commanded by the Elf-Witch? When the Princess came, the kingdom is in distress. Golden Voice and Book Smart told her the story. The Princess took one look at the Elf-Witch, shook her and cursed the Elf-Witch.

Another day, when the battle did not start because the Main Ruler is gone, the kingdom is at distress again, a group of wizards and witches were preparing for the next battle. The Elf-Witch is standing in front of them. Her voice echoes on the four walls of the kingdom. Her remarkable snark can be seen in all directions. The Princess took a stand and told her to be quiet because they might cause trouble to a nearby kingdom. But the Elf-Witch seemed not to notice her. She continued and the Princess along with some of the people from the kingdom snorts.

Someone has to make her learn a lesson, the Princess thought. Yes, maybe she’s the one in charge of the gold and treasures of the kingdom, but she’s not the people’s head ruler.

And lastly, when it was about time to make strategies for battle, the Elf-itch is talking with her allies. One of people from the kingdom, Respected Lady, made a remark that what if the Main Ruler is not coming, then the battle won’t start. But she is not telling that exactly to anyone. Just a random thought that popped out of her head. But the Elf-Witch, snarled and said, “He’s here, already. Don’t make your own story!”

Respected Lady’s drawn eyebrows rose at that remark and she didn’t help herself and said, “Oh, Okay. I’m just assuming. I’m not even talking to you. And it’s quite late already.”

“But you’re making a story,” the Elf-Witch said in a false friendly voice. “I’m mad already.”

The Princess and her friends kept quiet, just listening. Sometimes, it’s really great to defeat the Elf-Witch. J

LoveLoveLove

-S-

The girl who loves Taylor Swift

Most people don’t know my name… but they know me as the girl who loves Taylor Swift.

It started when I saw a pretty girl in the magazine. I don’t really recognize her but I know it was fate. I know there was that connection. Maybe there’s the imaginary silver line between us.

I used to listen to “Teardrops on my guitar” but I never knew who sang it, let alone who wrote it. But when I heard the song “Love Story”, I could get my ears away from it. I used to call it as “the song about Romeo and Juliet”. It was the line “You’ll be the Prince and I’ll be the princess” that made me really, really fall n love with it. And the fact that she gave Romeo and Juliet’s story a happy ending is another thing to count.

After that, I learned a lot about her. It’s funny because when my classmates wanted to know something about her, they don’t Google it. They ask it straight to me. It’s crazy that whenever her name was mentioned, they’ll look at me like saying “we know you’re smiling inside”. But I don’t consider myself obsessed. Maybe I’m just dedicated. I’m loyal. How can’t I when she’s my role model.

She’s the best example of how a person should act. Maybe it was just a little off when it come to love. As she said, “I’m smart unless I’m in love.” Maybe, some people don’t like her because all she’d written in songs are things that happened to her. But that’s how she relates most to her fans. That’s how she makes the connections to the best fans in the world--- because she sings the things that every girl wanted to say. And every time, there’s always that one or two Taylor Swift song that best describe my current situation.

Another thing maybe is that I feel like I can see myself in her. Like her, I’ve been rejected. I’ve been called names. I’ve been in love with the person who can’t love me back. I’ve written poems, novels. I love country music.

I told myself, one day, I’ll be able to meet her. One day, I’ll go to Nashville. I even prepared what I’m going to say to her when that moment comes. I’ll put it in my pocket in case I’d be so dumdfounded. I had that little speech going about how she changed my life. How important she is to me.

It’s crazy to think I’m pretty in love in everything she does. I’m considering her songs as my personal anthems.

This may get like a novel if I continue. So more Taylor swift in my future posts. J

LoveLoveLove

-S-

The Reckless Princess

I’m not literary a princess. I’m just someone who believes in fairytales, Prince Charmings, and happy endings… no matter how cheesy it may seem. I grew up believing I could be Cinderella, the girl who lost a pair of glass slippers but ended up marrying the Prince. Maybe I could be Cinderella. I’m still waiting for that time that I’ll lose something, and found my prince.

I grew up in a family where the so-called “happy ending” is a big issue. Everyone stays together in the end. But they were never happy. When I was younger, I used to think like them. That happy endings were not real. That it was just a myth. But didn’t that think that maybe it was just a far-fetched proposition. Maybe it was something that is only given to those who believe in it.

When everyone around me is going so cynical about happy endings, I continued to believe in it even more. I don’t care what they think because it’s something that makes me interested of life… believing that you can be happy in the end. 

Why would you care to wake up another day when you know things will get worse, right? Why would you bother to struggle through life when you know you’ll end up miserable?

Maybe I’m a little too optimist. Maybe I’m being a little too romantic too. That’s what others say. But I view life in a fairytale perspective. That all those good will be rewarded one day, and all those bad will always be defeated in the end.

Like in fairytales, there are always the bad guys, the witches, the evil step-mothers and sisters. There are always those people who wanted to ruin your day. They make your life worse with all the things they’re going to do to you.

In my world, witches are everywhere. But they do not use spells and poisonous apples. Instead, they act as friends, and then they’ll stab you at your back.

But antagonists make the story interesting, don’t they? They provide the conflict that everybody loves to read in a story.

But whatever.

I’m still a princess. With or without a prince. With or without a crown. J

LoveLoveLove,

-S-