Seven Minutes in Heaven

I feel so weird right now. It seems like I was so affected by what
happened in a fictional world.

Okay. That's right. I suddenly felt so gloomy and sad right after I
finished reading the last book in The Lying Game series.

I think the last book, Seven Minutes in Heaven, is the best book in
the series. It was one with the conclusion though.

It's just that, I don't understand why I feel like this. Was it just
because of how it ended? Of how Sutton and Emma never get to meet each
other? Or was it the fact that the series finally ends?

I read the first book back in June 2012. And for more than a year, I
followed the series. It was a really great thing about Sara Shepard.
Her books has this compelling power. Like when I started The Lying
Game, I could wait to read Never Have I Ever, and then Two Truths And
a Lie, then Hide and Seek, then Cross My Heart and Hope to Die. And I
was surprised that she ended the series with the 6th book, Seven
Minutes in Heaven.

I already figured out the killer since book 1. That's why everytime
Ethan would come up, I was always looking for clues.

But I guess, I had to live with the fact that Sutton and Emma's story
ends in Book 6. That there's no book 7 coming.

But one day, I'm going to read all the books in the series again. I'm
going to devulge in the mystery again. I'm going through the Mercer's
life again. And though Sutton is just a fictional character, I'll
always remember her...like what she said at the end of the series.


-S-

In The End, Everything Matters

"Don't worry, it doesn't matter..."

It's already been a phrase we often hear. We say it when we encounter
something small. But... doesn't it really matter?

I think it does. Every little thing does matter. Every little thing
has a reason. It links one thing to another.

But how does it matter?

Life is about the journey, as they say it. Everything along the
journey helps you reach your destination. That is how it matters.

In the end, even the smallest, single word will have its deepest
meaning. In the end, everything that you thought is worthless, will
matter... Sometimes, it's all about your perspective.

Surface Tension

Ok. Don't panic. I should not panic. I shouldn't--

Oh God. This is really, really pathetic.

I need a job. Badly, actually. I'm a fresh graduate, with I believe
were almost excellent scholastic records. But my problem is that I was
to afraid. I am too shy to attend or even go to look for jobs and job
interviews.

I don't know why. But it was something like a curse that won't go
away. I hate it when I'm feeling like that.

I'm really, really pressured. I know I can get a job. But I need to
overcome this stupid tension inside me first. I badly need to overcome
my "I-can't-do-this-I'm-shy" attitude.

Oh, I wish I can.

Getting Another Chapter Done

I'm done. I'm done with school. I mean I just graduated college yesterday.

Yesterday, nobody knows how freaked out and excited I am when the ceremony started. Nobody knows how I haven't slept the night before. Nobody knows about the butterflies wildly dancing inside my stomach. And nobody saw about the tears that I had a hard time fighting back.

But there was another thing that I'm so ready to let go except my life in school...there was another thing I'm done with.

It may sound a little OA. But seriously, I'm done with him. I'm ready to move on. It only came to me when I realized that I'm ready to take on the world, meet a lot of amazing people, and maybe meet someone who'll make me see why it did not work out with him.

I've been waiting for my Prince Charming since I've heard my first fairytale. For a little while, I thought it was him. But then I realized my Prince Charming would move mountains to be with me, not hide from it.

I'm just starting another chapter in my life, and this time, I'm ready to make my story worth reading. I won't hold onto things that won't hold me back. I'll let go of the unnecessary things in my life.

It won't be the same. But it'll be worth it.

Just a Little Message From Me. :)

I really don't know what to call this thing. This wasn't a speech. Maybe more like my last letter for everyone.

I wouldn't deny the truth that I am still disappointed of how one of my minor subject grade turned out when we were in first year. It would be a lie if I say I didn't regret a thing. That was the one thing that I regret the most. If I hadn't been so naive, so careless, that wouldn't have happened. I should've been more hard working. I couldn't believe that little 2.25 messed up everything.

But now that I came to a realization that I could never change a thing anymore, I was trying to look beyond the grades. Beyond all the failed quizzes, average exams, silly projects, and one-night research works are the memories that would always be remembered.

Okay. I know I'm being a little dramatic here. I'm being emotional because in a matter of days, we're all having an officially "separated" lives. I think I'm more emotional right in this moment than in my other graduation days. This time, I wouldn't just have to change school, change teacher, change classmates, but there will be a change of worlds.

We hear it everyday. The world of business. That was a very common  cliche. But when I thoroughly thought about it, I'm really, really scared. Partly because I know I'm still too naive about having a real job and being a real employee. And the other part is because I don't know if I can carry on without the people I got used to being around.

But seriously, I would miss everyone. I would miss everything. There was a very special thing about this whole four years. It has been magical how we changed to the person we are today. It's magical how we were grouped together. The friendships that were built was so strong, it would surely last.

On Friday, we would be wearing our best clothes (under the black academic gown), the cap on our heads (hopefully not to mess our hairs). As we take a march to our seats, be in your best stand, keep your chin up. Nobody would care if they see us overflowing with pride and confidence. That would be our day. When you walk up that stage to receive the "diploma" and shake hands with those people on stage, raise that diploma up high in front of all the people and make sure to wear your best smile. Don't forget to take a picture, and show it to everyone who doubted you, who told you that you couldn't make it this far.

It's okay to feel like kings and queens. It's okay to feel like on top of the world. We've had 4 years of hard work and on Friday, it’s payback time. We're one step closer to our dreams.

One last thing. Just another stupid request from your class president. Don't forget about me. Don't forget about us. Don't forget about everything. Remember how we shared the moments that were now just fading memories.

Like what I said in my high school speech: "Take God as your inspiration, and you would have success as a realization of your dreams." No matter how much we struggled from the last 4 years or from all the years we've been in school, I know and I believe that life ahead is so much better. The future is so much brighter. Let's not be sad in parting ways, instead, let's all be glad and together let's celebrate a promising future that awaits us.

Good luck everyone. I will miss you all. Au revior.

Just Another Useless Wish

Have you ever wished that your life is perfect? You can buy
everything. You have a perfect family.

Well, I do.

It kills me everytime I see my mom on the verge of tears. And it's all
because it's not the same anymore. It's because everything has
changed.

The tears were the proof of the pain that comes with knowing that
we've got nothing left to lose. Literally. I had no idea how we
survived a whole year. And now, suddenly, everyone can't do it
anymore. Just when I was about to finish college. Just when I'm
desperate to get a job.

Everyone suddenly got tired of living this miserable life. And I'm
torn in the middle not knowing what to do.

I had all these dreams to make it all better. But it was like nobody
cares. I wonder if I would be able to graduate college now. I had no
money to pay for graduation. I can't even afford to finish my
internship. Just when there's only two weeks left of it.

I know somehow I had to make a decision. I should choose whether to go
until graduation or I could just stop right now. But either way, the
consequences were indeniable. If I continue, where would I get the
money for all the fees I had to pay? Where would I get an allowance to
continue my internship? But if I stop, my dreams will suffer.
Everything that I workhard for the last 4 years will be wasted.
Everyone will be disappointed. I will be the laugh in the
conversations. The high school salutatorian, the Dean's Lister who
wasn't even able to finish college when it's just a month and a half
away from graduation.

I'm being pathetic. But if you'd ever be in my situation, you'll feel the same.

The situation just became harder to bear because I had no friends
right now. I mean, they're away. I haven't seen much of them. And my
friends right now is not like my friends from highschool. I don't
know, but I find it hard to confide in them. I'm afraid they would
just laugh at me or that they won't even care if I miserable.

So it gets more painful...and I just wish I can survive.



-S-

Insecurity Alert

The thing about insecurity is that you never get over it. It stays
with you no matter how you try to deny it...no matter how much you try
to over come it.

It's still there. And you feel stupid about it. Because you're not
supposed to feel insecure anymore. You're supposed to be a grown up
who has confidence.

But confidence was never a friend. It's a traitor that leaves you when
you needed it the most. And then you're left with your best friend
insecurity, yet again.

Moments will come when you thought you've over come your insecurity.
But then one thing will happen that will make you realize that you
still got it. It's still there...even just in the back of your mind.

I realized that you never really get over insecurity. It builds up
inside you. The only thing you can do about it is to hide it...or at
least you try to. Though, it's really hard work, you should never let
others know how insecure or stupid you feel.

Well, maybe they say insecurity is for the weak. Who cares?! Everyone
have insecurities. Others are just experts at hiding it.

For the record, not because you're insecure, doesn't mean you're weak.
And confidence is not a symbol of being strong.



-S-

GirlNextDooritis

The thing about moving on is that I know it's all just words. I don't
really move on. I just tell everyone that I'm moving on because I
think that's what they wanted to hear...because I was supposed to be
moving on.

But truth is, I'm not. I'm not moving on because no matter how much I
tell myself to do it, to forget, to get on with my life, I know I
can't.

I know there's still this part of me that would want to see him, to
talk to him, to be with him. There's still this stupid girl that is so
in love with him.

I'm being honest here so I better tell everything. I don't care if he
reads this because I care for him too much. To tell you the truth,
since that day that he told me that he wanted to try to work out
things between us, I've been patiently waiting for him. I know it's
stupid to wait especially since it's been more than two years already.
But I'm willing to be stupid if it means waiting for him.

I'm still not sure if he really had feelings for me or if it's just a
ridiculous little attraction that never blossomed. But call me the
girl who falls for Mr. Slow-Motion. I'm not sure if it ever crossed
his mind that I've been pinning for him all this time. I don't know if
he even realize how much I care for him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate everything about him. But I
just can't. I just can't bring myself to hold a grudge against him.
How can I when my feelings for him is much stronger than the hate I
could ever feel?

I know. I know it's really, really crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But maybe I'm just crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. And I hate being crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But I think that's just how you're supposed to feel when
you're in love with a guy who doesn't love you back.


-S-

Inside is a Coward

People who don't know me so much may find me tough. They may say I'm
too strong that I can handle anything. But they don't know one thing
about me. If that's what they think then they don't know me at all.

They don't know the fact that I cry in my sleep every night. They
don't know that I shiver in fear behind their backs. They don't know
that behind the tough exterior is a weak coward underneath.

That's a thing about always having to be the strong one...no one ever
notices when you're not okay. No one cares for you because they know
you can handle yourself.

But they don't know about your fears...they don't know about your
tears...they don't know about the secrets that you spend so much time
to keep.


-S-

Feelimg Better Now

I feel infinite.

Well, that may not be an original line from me, but that's how I
feel... INFINITE.

It's like just by smiling, even to just myself, I'm feeling great. I'm
feeling totally complete. Like good vibes are so abundant and I'm
getting them all.

Maybe it's because God did not let me down. Well, He never let anyone
down. But still, He knew when to give the right things at the right
moment, even when I'm not asking.

I hope this optimism last forever. *wink*


-S-

That Girl Is Poison

She's toxic. And I so had enough of her. I mean, she's like the kind
of person who you don't like when you first met her...but when you got
to know her better, you'll hate her.

I hate her. I hate her because she hates me. And it's not because I'm
a bitter cow. But she's just too irritating, annoying, nonsensical,
and delusional. I haven't met a person much worse than her in my life.
She's one of a kind. Really.

At first, I thought she just might have a really eccentric
personality. That maybe, I'm being prejudice and it's not fair on her
part. So I decided maybe it all takes a little more patience on my
part. I decided to give her a lot more chance since I have no choice
but to see her everyday. But something happened. And I guess, she
doesn't deserve the patience I'm willing to give to her.

It was when I checked my facebook account. There's a newsfeed posted
by her that says something really really mean about me. She said all
her sentiments, making a really absurd and offensive story. I don't
want to feel offended but she's seriously making things up. And I'm
hurt.

I have no idea whether she intended for me to read that or if she'd
just forgot that we're 'friends' on Facebook.

So now, everytime I'll see her, I can't forget what I've read. I know
how fake she is when she smiles at me. You know, it's like fake is the
new trend and she seems to be in style.

The worst is that I'd have to put up with her until the near end of
February. So maybe I'll need a longer rope of patience to survive her
attitude.

So wish me luck.


-S-

A New Year Promise

It's 2013 but nothing has changed. It's still the same old chaos, the
same old me. I mean, why do we think we are compelled to change just
because the year does? Why do we need to be different from who we were
one year ago? Does it have something to do with what they call growing
up?

Maybe. But growing up just means being much a much better version of
yourself (especially in public) and not totally different. But was it
a curse to be always the same?

I don't think so. I mean, I don't think anyone stays the same.
Everybody changes. Even if you don't think you change, you sure do.
It's the only constant thing in this world, remember?

Everyone thinks they need to be much better than who they were a year
ago. But nobody really can tell how you've been, right? It's always
been a broken promise. Something that we never really do in the course
of a year.

So what do I do now? I guess just go with the flow...just find out
what will happen next. As long as I knew what to do next, then I'm
fine with that. I'm gonna be okay. I don't need the big picture yet.
It'll just make me think how far I am to my dream.


-S-

Severe Case of Writer's Block

O-kaaay.

I'm supposed to be writing the 10th chapter for my short novel. But
I'm just not sure how to start. I know how I want the chapter to go. I
just can't muster enough creative energy to actually write something.

My creative nerves suddenly left me without a warning. I can't even
start with a word. And the crazy thing is that the climax of the whole
story is supposed to start in the 10th chapter.

Ugh. I'm pathetic right now. I wish I could finish the whole story on February.


-S-