Everything You've Ruined

I told myself that I would never write about you again. That it was actually better to spill coffee on myself than to write about you. Because writing about you burns worse.

But I can't help it. Thoughts of you still fuel the melancholic feeling and nostalgia that I should not even feel in the first place. You were my muse even before you left me to write on my own.

How can I not write about you? How can I even forget you when you've given me a lot to remember? I know. It's stupid to think like this. We were never even together in the first place. But my the feelings I felt for you were valid. The hurt and pain I'm feeling right now, they're valid too.

People say you have to distance yourself if you want to forget. I can't. I can't because no matter how far I was already, I still remember you. And I started hating myself remembering you. I started hating the things that reminded me of you.

You ruined my dream to go to Batanes. I can still hear your voice telling me that it was also your dream to bring your family there. To just see the picturesque place and experience the culture. And it was my dream Philippine destination. And I know, that when I ever go there, I will remember you again and how you wanted to go there too. How it could have been us traversing that beautiful place. And it will all come back to me. How we almost made it. And how we never did.

You ruined my favorite songs. We both love to listen to music. One time, I even asked you what song you like that time. I remember the song but I can't remember exactly what you said why. But I remember how you said it. I remember how you wanted me to connect with the song. I remember you wanting me to know that the song was for me. And everytime I hear that song, I can almost hear you singing it to me. I can almost hear your voice, singing the promise that no matter what happen, you'll always be there for me, like what the lyrics were all about. And I wanted to yell back. I wanted to snap and ask, where the hell are you now? And all my favorite Taylor Swift songs seems to be about you. And how can I forget you when I listen to Taylor Swift everyday?

You ruined my fairytale fantasy. I know, it was childish. But when I met you, that night in December, it was magical. The moment our eyes met, I felt sparks flying around us. That's when I started believing in fairytales again. But that happened years ago. And the Prince Charming is already having his "happily ever after" with another Princess (no pun intended).

You ruined my 23rd birthday. We have stopped our communications already that time. We haven't talked for months that time. I already deleted your number and deleted every trail of conversations we had. But the night before my birthday, I received a text form an unknown number. It was a birthday greeting and I politely replied a thank you and ask who the sender was. It was late that night when I sent the reply and I wasn't really expecting one. But when I woke up the next morning, there was another text from the unknown number. And the message was your name. And I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe you actually remembered my birthday (which you said how rude of me to think you'd ever forget). I couldn't believe you were reaching out after months of ignoring me and shutting me out. I couldn't believe that after you've done, you texted me like nothing ever happened. And because of that, I spent the day thinking about you again. I spent my 23rd birthday mad at myself that I let you in my thoughts again.

You ruined all that I've written before, all the stories, the poems, the prose. You were my favorite topic to write about back before. I've written about you in rhymes and stanzas, in detail and in vague. I would have wanted to throw the papers away, to burn them like how I was burning every time I read them. But they were my art. And I can't just do that.

You ruined the feeling of missing someone. You ruined the memories that were supposed to be happy. You ruined things that I never knew I even cared for. But of all the things you've ruined, I was the one left from the wreckage. I was the one who survived. And I won't left you ruin me again. The damage was enough. 

Regrets

No regrets.

I've told that to myself a hundred times this whole week. There was this opportunity and I will try. So whatever the outcome, I won't have any regrets.

But I do. I do.

The biggest regret comes from knowing that you tried. That you went throught it even though all you've got is your almost empty cracked bottle of second hand self confidence. And knowing you could've done better. But realizing you can't do anything about it, anyway.

I hate it when that happens. But it always happens. You never get what you want. Never. Most of the time, you're stuck at what you already have. And sometimes, you just have to make the best out of it.

As a consolation, maybe it wasn't exactly a regret, but a lesson. Somehow, it teaches you something. You have to learn from it or it's nothing but a waste of time.

But it wasn't. It was not a waste of time at all.

So what to do now? I might need some time refilling that bottle of second hand confidence. :(

Congratulations

So what do you do when that one person you thought you’re going to marry one day is actually about to get married to someone else? You cry? You get drunk? You talk to your friends? You confront him?

Me? I write this blog post.

I know, I’ve already expected it. The way their relationship looks like on Facebook seems to get serious. I know he’s so smitten by her and she’s in love with him as well. I could picture them getting married. Just not this soon.

His fiancé posted it. The video of their prenup and the news to their wedding was out. For an outsider to their relationship, example: me, it felt so rushed. Like they were hurrying for something. Maybe they’re just too in love? I’m not really sure.

His fiancé kept on posting. And knowing him, he’s a bit show-y of his feelings too. But all he has posted yet is him changing his cover photo. Not any post of proudness or of an announcement, or even replies to those comments of congratulations.

And that got me wondering. How is he keeping up? How does he feel right now? Is he okay? Is he feeling overwhelmed?

As much as I wanted to talk to him, I can’t because simply…we don’t talk to each other anymore. That would be embarassing and awkward. But I hope this wedding is his decision too. I hope he doesn’t do this because he had to, but because he wanted to. I hope he’s doing well. I hope he doesn’t think about me as much as I think about him. I hope they make each other happy.

I might’ve sound a bit ridiculous back there but that’s the truth. I wan the best for him. I’m glad that he’s found “The One” when I’m still fighting through the jungle full of Mr. Wrongs.

I just wish that whay we had before, if he ever felt the same thing as I did, I wish he wouldn’t forget how much I was here for him. Even though I know I can’t tell him.

So, congratulations on finding your forever.

To the Guy I Waited But Never Came

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about you personally. I’m not sure if I can already talk about it again without getting nostalgic. Maybe it’s because I’ve met someone after what happened to us. Or maybe bacause I know I’m still hurting in some ways. Even though it’s been a year since it happened.

You don’t remember, do you? You don’t even admit to feeling the same way. I think you never did, really. It was just me and my over working imagination thinking what I’ve felt was mutual.

How long has it been since we first met? Eight years? Nine? I can’t be sure. But I’ll tell you what, that moment,  it felt magical. You probably knew me before I heard about you. I’m not really that good knowing people from other class. But I’m one of the active members of our class so you might’ve already heard about me.

It’s that cliché story of heartbreak. We’ve came across each other. We talked. We got closer. We share secrets. We tell each other (some, or maybe most) of our feelings. Everybody could tell we could work. Everybody sees it. But us. I waited. I waited because I though we belong to each other and that maybe you just needed a little push. That maybe we’re both waiting to be ready. I waited for years. You showed me that you cared. You made me feel that what I felt was mutual. Or was it just me?

Years went by and you were sweeter than usual. We were sweeter than usual. And then all of a sudden, I can’t find you. You weren’t texting, you weren’t calling, let alone a Facebook status. It’s been a few weeks and I was so paranoid. What have I done wrong?

Then one morning, you changed your Facebook profile photo. A photo of you and her. And that moment, when my heart was breaking into pieces, I was so sure I’ve already lost you. I will never find you again and I will never get you back.

And I know you’re happy now. And sometimes I get that twinge of feeling that I miss you. Or maybe I just missed how you used to be. How we used to be. But I know I can never have that back. I can never have us back. You’re gone forever and you’ll never return no matter how long I wait.

So one day, I just stopped. I stopped waiting. I stopped caring. I stopped hurting. I don’t know how it happened but I just did. You don’t cross my mind that much anymore. I don’t miss you anymore. And I learned how it is without you.

My heart doesn’t echo your name anymore. And it’s on its way finding what’s meant for me.

Not Into Coincidences

It happened several times. I’m not really sure if it’s coincidences. Maybe more like… fate?

Okay. Here it goes. Personally, I do believe in destiny. I’ve grew up reading fairytales and believing that everything happens because there’s this more powerful God making it happen.

And somehow… maybe it did happen to me. No not destiny. But I’ve been a victim of that was-it-really-just-a-coincidence moment. I’ll tell two recent stories.

First happened last March. I dreamed about a guy. The guy I thought I almost had a relationship with. The guy I thought I was destined with but is now dating someone else exclusively.

In my dream, we seemed to be at a luncheon which was set up outside a huge house. There was a long table and there were other guests. We were sitting opposite each other at one far end of the table. But we weren’t talking. It was so awkward.

When I woke up, I was like, “what the hell!?”

I hate it when I remember him. And that time, I’m not sure I had finally moved on from what happened. So all day, even at work, I was seriously wondering why I dreamed about him. I’ve learned to trust my dreams already. That when I dream of something and I happen to remember it, it somehow happens.

So when I went home from the office, when I rode the bus even I was standing inside, I was kind of relieved that nothing happened that day. But when I gazed at the windows that becomes a mirror of people inside because of the glass reflection, I saw him. He was also standing a mere 3 feet away from me.

I’m not sure if he saw me too that time. But he must have. I turned my back and faced the opposite side, slowly, making sure he wouldn’t notice.

Then the girl in front of him called me. She said she’s getting off and I could take her seat. I was almost hesitant. Because even if he didn’t see me at the mirror window, sitting there will make him definitely see me.

Reluctanly, I still took the seat. But the moment I was seated, I pulled my earphones from my bag and pretended I was sleeping. It was so awkward that make me think about what happened in my dream. It was almost the same. We were there, we have the chance, but we weren’t talking.

And then the second was this. It happened just a while ago, actually.

We have this Kris Kringle thing at the office. The theme issomething that reminds you of your previous someone. Not my thing actually. Especially that I don’t really want to be reminded of any previous someone.

After what happened with me and that guy I was talking about above (which I think is better as personal story than a blog post, really). I met someone. And maybe I was destined to have almost relationships, but not real ones.

So, when they said I need a gift about a previous someone, I was thinking about this new guy. There was a lot that reninds me of him. But maybe the most is our love for Ed Sheeran. Especially his album, Multiply. That was the only thing that we share the same. That was why for a while, I stopped listening to Ed’s songs because I don’t want to remember him.

So I figured, I could get an Ed Sheeran key chain.

And when I was about to get home, I saw him. Really. The new guy. He was standing ahead of me, looking at me. I took a double look when I realized it was him. I held on to my pocket where the key chain was, suddenly afraid that it might fall and he would see.

I gave him a fake smile. Something I hoped didn’t look fake at all. And after that, I didn’t look at his direction again.

So tonight, I was having a really hard time going to sleep because of this coincidences. But maybe those things were meant to happen for a reason beyond my understanding. But I would be glad to know why.

Mom, Are You Okay?

You know I’m not good in saying it out loud. You know me more than anyone else. And I know you so well too. I know when you’re not acting normal. So…

Mom, are you okay? You’ve been quiet this past few days. You weren’t talking much. You weren’t eating enough. You weren’t laughing as much as you used too.

So dumb of me to even ask, right? I know you’re not okay. But I just wanted to hear from you that you are. I just wanted you say it. Even though it’s all a lie.

Who am I kidding? I don’t want you to feel any less better. I want the best for you so please stop saying that you want the best for us. We know that already, okay? Right now, you need us. And we need you, Mom. So please let us do this for you. Let us be here for you this time.

I can feel your uncomfort and sadness everytime we talk about what you’re going through. I know you just wanted this to be over. We do, too. But more than that, we wanted you to be okay.

We will fight through this. We will fight with you. And we will win this. Because we’re strong. Be cause we can.

So let me ask it again…Mom, are you okay?

A Little Bit of Maine Mendoza and AlDub

Maine Mendoza. She's the half of which I consider the most talked about love team right now. She's the Dubsmash Queen of the Philippines. She's the face of most TV commercials. And like her twitter bio says, yup, she's that girl.

Better known as Yaya Dub, the supposed to be "masungit" and "suplada" nanny of the old, rich woman, Lola Nidora. She's one of the reasons why people started enjoying TV again. She's the reason why people who don't usually use the internet, now even have Twitter accounts (some of my relatives included).

Truth is, I didn't start off as a fan. I work long hours from Mondays to Saturdays so there really is no way I can watch TV. My sister was the one in our family who usually gushes about ALDUB. Then I started seeing it on my Facebook feed. It was all over Twitter, too.

What is it exactly and why is everyone seemed so enthralled with it? I became so curious. But not so much that I'd actually start watching it. But still just curious.

Then there came the episode when Alden and Maine are going to perform against each other for the wildcard spot for Eat Bulaga's Dabarkads Pa More segment. Or need I say it, the famous Plywood Incident.

It was Saturday and the moment I went home, my sister gushes over the episode. But that wasn't the amusing thing about it. My Dad was talking about it too! I mean, my Dad who only watches news, documentaries, and sports on TV. My Dad who hates it when me and my sister fangirls over our favorite show or favorite celebrities.

That sudden change of my Dad made me watch it. I mean, if that wasn't enough to make me watch ALDUB, then I don't know what else is.

I watched clips from that Eat Bulaga episode. Just clips. I don't exactly have time to watch whole episodes. It was okay but I wasn't that hooked yet. What got me hooked was the episode the following Saturday. Need clues? Blindfold, van, starbucks, Duh-Rizz. That Saturday when they trended #ALDUBTheAbduction.

That was the first episode that I watched from start to finish. Why? Partly because when I came home that day, my Dad said: "Di mo napanuod 'yung Eat Bulaga! Ang Ganda! Galing talaga nila!" with so much amusement in his face.

I watched it that night and it was then that I became a converted ALDUB fan. That was when I started watching replay episodes every night since I don't get to watch it live. That was when I started looking for previous episodes, too.

What amused me was learning that everything about it was unplanned. Or at least it doesn't seem to me. Watching the first episodes of then the Problem Solving segment of Eat Bulaga, I realized that Yaya Dub's character wasn't created as joyful and energetic as she seemed right now. She was supposed to be more suplada and masungit than Lola Nidora.

Then there came the infamous July 16 episode. The day when it all began. Alden, as handsome as always, was seated in the front of the studio watching. Yaya Dub was doing her usual dubsmash thing. Alden's face was being shown on the other half of the split screen while Maine does her thing. When she noticed him watching her, her eyes bulge in surprise and she became timid. The next thing that happen was trully amusing.

How was it that the suplada and masungit Yaya seems to be smiling and shy? I believe it was Allan K who pointed it out.

"Hala si Yaya naco-conscious! Si Yaya nagpapa-cute!"

That teasing gave birth to the Pabebe Wave. If you haven't done it in your selfies, I'm pretty sure you know someone who already did. I mean, I did even changed my Twitter photo during that National Pabebe Wave Day when ALDUB Nation trended #AlDubEBforLove, and earned 25.6 million tweets.

I think what makes ALDUB and Kalyeserye a hit is Maine Mendoza herself. She's this simple girl in the nanny apron. She makes faces. She dubsmashes to communicate. She's got a very unique personality. And she happens to have an undying crush to a really handsome guy (I'm looking at you Alden Richards). Who wouldn't relate to that?

It was like a modern fairytale. They're like the Cinderella and Prince Charming. And everyone's rooting for the commoner for the prince.

What I love about Maine Mendoza is that she's unique. She's refreshing to watch. She's not afraid to make funny faces or to make a laugh out of herself. She's a very natural commidiene. She can express herself in mere facial expressions.

I admire her because she inspires a lot of young girls out there. She's the living proof that dreams do come true. And if it happened to her, it can all happen to us in a different way.

I've read news articles about them and about her. One says that stardom hasn't sinked in to Maine. And it makes me aaahhhh! because it means she's still that girl we all love. The girl we believe she is. Her face is very Bulakenya, very Filipina. Okay, maybe I'm a bit biased there (fellow Bulakenya here! *pabebe wave*). But really she's got a very distinct beauty we don't usually see on TV. And she's not afraid to take off her make up at the end of the day and take some wacky photos of herself. Kudos for that, Meng!

And the fans! ALDUB Nation is the fandom with a purpose. I remember the MaiDen Bulacan chapter having a gift giving at the Home for the Aged in Malolos, Bulacan and Maine's Dad was actually there to support it! Then ALDUB Nation also did a blood letting project with Philippine Red Cross. I mean, I was so great to know that we (yes, I'm included) are not only fans who make them the top trending topic everyday but we also gather together to help others.

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines even gave an award to the Kalyeserye for promoting values among the youth. Maine, Alden, Wally (as Lola Nidora), and ALDUB Nation all received an award. Which is something you'd be proud of. It's not everyday that the TV shows and celebrities or even fandoms receive and award from the church.

The thing about ALDUB and Kalyeserye is that the mere thought about it makes me smile. Yes, I sometimes look crazy, but I do. They make me laugh each time. The TNT sisters (Tinidora, Nidora and Tidora) played by Jose, Wally, and Paolo, respectively, never fails to make me laugh with their adlib and skits. Lola Nidora's Babalaaaaa (asawa ni) lines, the ever so famous sa tamang panahon, and dancing (or maybe cramping) Dessert. Tinidora's Mambo No.5 and Let's Get Loud dance routines with the help of the ladder and her dead looking Quandos. And who would not recognize Tidora's wide open mouth laugh, her squeal, and the now popular Regine! Woooooh!. I'll never get tired of those crazy antics.

Just a little personal story. It was one Saturday when I was on leave in the office. I wen to this thrift shop. They usually play background music in the store and that day their playlist are full of songs that Alden and Maine uses in their dubsmash. People seemed to be enjoying the show and some even started singing along. It was almost lunch time and while I was in line at the cashier, I heard the lady behind me said: "Anong oras na ba? Malapit na mag-Eat Bulaga. Baka 'di na ako umabot". Truth is, I was having the same thoughts with her. 😁

Then what happened next was this: God Gave Me You came on the speakers and almost everyone there squealed! Really! The effect of that song to Yaya Dub became very contagious to people who watch the show and it was really fun to see.

Then Alden held a show in Robinsons Place Malolos. I was there and it was so jam packed with fans from all ages. Seriously! We arrived there at around 2pm and there was already a long line at the entrance of the mall because the mall (which have 4 floors) is almost full. Me and my friend rode the escalator and there was this pair of old lolas behind us. What I heard made me smile: "Bagay talaga sila! Grabe, buong buhay ko, sa tanda kong 'to, ngayon lang ako magkaganito."

The stage was ready as early as then and people where already around the mall finding a place where they can watch the other half of ALDUB perform. They were playing music from the set up speakers on the stage. Then at around 3pm when I was sure that Alden won't be there yet because Eat Bulaga probably just finished, God Gave Me You played and people screamed! I'm serious! They really screamed like they thought Alden was already there. And I wished I caught it on video. 😂

And one more very personal thing. I honestly stopped listening to Thinking Out Loud. I learned to hate it everytime I hear it because it reminds me of something (okay, fine...of someone). The mere intro of the song made me roll my eyes. But then ALDUB gave me another meaning for the song. It reminded me how beautiful that song is. And everytime I hear it, all I remember now is how Alden dubsmashes it for Maine. (Or how Baeby Baste sang it for Yaya Dub, which is really funny)

I really, really, really hope to meet Maine Mendoza one day. I wanted to tell her in person how much of an inspiration she is. I wanted to thank her for making me laugh, for giving me so much good vibes, and for reminding me the true Filipino values.

From one Bulakenya to another, all I can say is this: Way to go, Meng! 👍;)

Love,
@sarahnewville

Let's Not See Each Other Again, Shall We?

How it is that you haven't seen someone for a while and when you actually saw him again, all the feelings and memories come rushing forward like it all happened just yesterday.

How the hell?

You haven't seen him for a few months. You stopped stalking his social media pages. You almost thought you already forgot his face. You haven't talked to him in a while. You thought he already deleted your number.

But the most unexpected moment came. And he was there. He was just a few feet away. You saw him and you're quite sure he saw you too. Even in a span of a nano second, you locked eyes with him. And your heart drummed inside your chest.

You looked away. Why is he there? What is he doing here? Has he seen me?

He was the one who started ignoring you. He's the one who seemed to not care anymore. And you just go along with it. Because you hate getting hurt. You're already getting attached so you distanced yourself too. If he doesn't care, why should you?

You're a little panic-y because you can feel his eyes on your back. He's looking at you and you know it. So when a bus came, you get in it. But it wasn't moving yet. And you're sitting by the window directly right where he is. And you felt his stare again.

Then your phone chimes with a text. You weren't expecting to see his name. The name you haven't seen there in a while. He was asking where you're going...like you have been just talking to him a minute ago...like he really cares.

You pretended to be surprised by the text and you look around. You faked a smile when you locked eyes with him. He smiled back. That smile that once made you swoon. You quickly looked away pretending you're a little too fascinated by the TV on the bus.

You continued to exchange text messages with him. Until he was the one to cut the conversation short again. But you already expected that, didn't you? You already know he won't be talking to you for a while again only to come back like nothing ever happened.

And you pretend like it's okay. Because you had to be okay. Because what ever it is that you're feeling right now, one day, you hope, it won't even matter. That one day, you'll finally won't care anymore.

Done Reading UNDONE

Undone. How perfect a word can be. How perfect a title can suit a story.

We're talking about "Undone" by Cat Clarke here. I actually don't want to talk about it. I was trying to keep my mouth shut because I am afraid that the moment I start to talk about it, I'm going cry (sob) and I'm not going to stop ever.

But in a way, I want to get it out. Write about it. Pour it in paper (wordpad, in exact). I want to write about it so one day, when I'm fully moved on and recovered (never gonna happen) from the story, I can read this post and reminisce it.

This may be totally dramatic. And I may be trying to fight the tears right now. But everyone's allowed to be emotional, right?

So let me start so I can get back in the corner of my room and just sob over Jemima Halliday's story.

I've had that book (epub) in my library (electronic) for like months before what I call The Day. I've always have it there but I never really had a chance to read it. So when The Day came, I was kind of really really bored and it was the night that I actually couldn't sleep. And so I settled myself. I opened the "Random Bookshelf" in my library and it was the book that caught my eye. It was right there. Third book on top. With the cover of a girl in a dress facing back. About to jump off. And there was that word. The title. It was almost like a spell.

I selected the book, trying to open the options tab if there is a synopsis. There is none. I was kind of disappointed. I find it a bit scary to read a book without reading the back page. But it also is kind of exciting, not knowing what to expect. So I was fighting with two options in my head: a) I'm going to leave it there. Not reading it until I know what to expect from it, or b) Read it and let's see where I'll go. I chose B.

I opened the book with such anticipation. I didn't know Cat Clarke. I haven't read any of her books before. And then there was the prologue right before my eyes. Then I couldn't stop. I couldn't let go of it.

I think it was because I am kind of a Jemima Halliday myself. We have things in common, I guess.

It was when Kai died that I felt more into this book. It was that absorbing and so good. I felt it through me. The book is like shouting everything it needs to say. And I think, it did well in that category.

I did find myself crying in some parts of it. There were moments when I'd just bit my lip just so the tears won't come out. And then... Then I came to the end.

The end is–

I don't even know how to describe it. It was... It was painful...devastatingly and depressingly painful. I will never forget Jem's last thought. Her last sentence, to be exact. I will never forget how badly it was stuck in my head. How I gasp and cried when I've read it: “I chose life too late.”

I think it was the saddest thing someone could ever say. When I was finished reading, I felt odd. Weirdly odd. I became so absorb in the story. I didn't expect she'd actually do it. And that last chapter...

There were so many what ifs and if only’s right after. It could have been better, or at least okay with Jem, Lucas and Sasha. But I think that why I liked the story so much. Because it was some book where the reader was not allowed to dictate what's going to happen. It allowed it self to end in a way that it thinks will happen. A stinging slap in the face of happy endings.

And I think it's one of those books that has never finished what it wants to say. Although it was almost shouting at the reader, there's still that feeling that it was not yet done. Not that way. Not like that.

It was somewhat unfair for the story to end just there. I hangs around just at that perfect moment. But it is also why I liked it so much. How ironic, right? I find it unfair because it hangs right there and I like it so much because it hangs right there.

Others may find it just an ordinary young adult novel. But if you try to look beyond the surface, there are a lot more to it. It was like a fancy facade in front of a deep well.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure out how to forget Jem, Kai, Lucas, and Sasha. But I think, the story will stay me for a while (forever). :)

-S

The World Taking a Wrong Turn

A zig zag. A road bump. Then crash.

That's how it is in real life. Shattered. Trashed. Broken. Everything is easily destroyed because of one wrong turn. All the length you've travel to seems worthless. And you're left in the middle of the road, looking as confused as you ever will.

Confused. That's exactly how I felt right now. You know, I've never stumbled upon an ever so right word in my life as the word CONFUSED.

I hate looking at my life and realizing I don't really know anything. Like was it really my life or am I looking at somebody else's life? Someone I don't know.

You know, when you had your downward spiral you became obsessed not to repeat it again. But then that obsession is a little too strong that you became unaware of other downward spirals that could possibly happen. And then that downward spiral will grow with the negative thoughts inside your head, worsen by the fear of what the world and the universe could do to you.

I've had my downward spirals. Many times. Times when you thought everything is going great, when it so seemed that life is falling into place. You know, as they say, things are too good to be true. That's when it hit you. That's when you fall into the trap where you can never get back. You lose track of your  journey. You see yourself looking around an unfamiliar hell. Somewhere you've never been. Then you start to see yourself in a way you've never seen yourself before.

You'll realize a lot of things. The demons inside you will definitely find it amusing. But that's not the worse. Sometimes, you let those demons to control you just so they'll stop pestering you. But never would they stop ones you let them. They will never be gone.

Confused as it may seem, you have to hop back in your car. Get on the track. But no, do not drive back. There is no time in going back in life. You just have to find a way where you can get on the right track again. Sometimes, it's just a matter of which way to turn.

-S

Seven Minutes in Heaven

I feel so weird right now. It seems like I was so affected by what
happened in a fictional world.

Okay. That's right. I suddenly felt so gloomy and sad right after I
finished reading the last book in The Lying Game series.

I think the last book, Seven Minutes in Heaven, is the best book in
the series. It was one with the conclusion though.

It's just that, I don't understand why I feel like this. Was it just
because of how it ended? Of how Sutton and Emma never get to meet each
other? Or was it the fact that the series finally ends?

I read the first book back in June 2012. And for more than a year, I
followed the series. It was a really great thing about Sara Shepard.
Her books has this compelling power. Like when I started The Lying
Game, I could wait to read Never Have I Ever, and then Two Truths And
a Lie, then Hide and Seek, then Cross My Heart and Hope to Die. And I
was surprised that she ended the series with the 6th book, Seven
Minutes in Heaven.

I already figured out the killer since book 1. That's why everytime
Ethan would come up, I was always looking for clues.

But I guess, I had to live with the fact that Sutton and Emma's story
ends in Book 6. That there's no book 7 coming.

But one day, I'm going to read all the books in the series again. I'm
going to devulge in the mystery again. I'm going through the Mercer's
life again. And though Sutton is just a fictional character, I'll
always remember her...like what she said at the end of the series.


-S-

In The End, Everything Matters

"Don't worry, it doesn't matter..."

It's already been a phrase we often hear. We say it when we encounter
something small. But... doesn't it really matter?

I think it does. Every little thing does matter. Every little thing
has a reason. It links one thing to another.

But how does it matter?

Life is about the journey, as they say it. Everything along the
journey helps you reach your destination. That is how it matters.

In the end, even the smallest, single word will have its deepest
meaning. In the end, everything that you thought is worthless, will
matter... Sometimes, it's all about your perspective.

Surface Tension

Ok. Don't panic. I should not panic. I shouldn't--

Oh God. This is really, really pathetic.

I need a job. Badly, actually. I'm a fresh graduate, with I believe
were almost excellent scholastic records. But my problem is that I was
to afraid. I am too shy to attend or even go to look for jobs and job
interviews.

I don't know why. But it was something like a curse that won't go
away. I hate it when I'm feeling like that.

I'm really, really pressured. I know I can get a job. But I need to
overcome this stupid tension inside me first. I badly need to overcome
my "I-can't-do-this-I'm-shy" attitude.

Oh, I wish I can.

Getting Another Chapter Done

I'm done. I'm done with school. I mean I just graduated college yesterday.

Yesterday, nobody knows how freaked out and excited I am when the ceremony started. Nobody knows how I haven't slept the night before. Nobody knows about the butterflies wildly dancing inside my stomach. And nobody saw about the tears that I had a hard time fighting back.

But there was another thing that I'm so ready to let go except my life in school...there was another thing I'm done with.

It may sound a little OA. But seriously, I'm done with him. I'm ready to move on. It only came to me when I realized that I'm ready to take on the world, meet a lot of amazing people, and maybe meet someone who'll make me see why it did not work out with him.

I've been waiting for my Prince Charming since I've heard my first fairytale. For a little while, I thought it was him. But then I realized my Prince Charming would move mountains to be with me, not hide from it.

I'm just starting another chapter in my life, and this time, I'm ready to make my story worth reading. I won't hold onto things that won't hold me back. I'll let go of the unnecessary things in my life.

It won't be the same. But it'll be worth it.

Just a Little Message From Me. :)

I really don't know what to call this thing. This wasn't a speech. Maybe more like my last letter for everyone.

I wouldn't deny the truth that I am still disappointed of how one of my minor subject grade turned out when we were in first year. It would be a lie if I say I didn't regret a thing. That was the one thing that I regret the most. If I hadn't been so naive, so careless, that wouldn't have happened. I should've been more hard working. I couldn't believe that little 2.25 messed up everything.

But now that I came to a realization that I could never change a thing anymore, I was trying to look beyond the grades. Beyond all the failed quizzes, average exams, silly projects, and one-night research works are the memories that would always be remembered.

Okay. I know I'm being a little dramatic here. I'm being emotional because in a matter of days, we're all having an officially "separated" lives. I think I'm more emotional right in this moment than in my other graduation days. This time, I wouldn't just have to change school, change teacher, change classmates, but there will be a change of worlds.

We hear it everyday. The world of business. That was a very common  cliche. But when I thoroughly thought about it, I'm really, really scared. Partly because I know I'm still too naive about having a real job and being a real employee. And the other part is because I don't know if I can carry on without the people I got used to being around.

But seriously, I would miss everyone. I would miss everything. There was a very special thing about this whole four years. It has been magical how we changed to the person we are today. It's magical how we were grouped together. The friendships that were built was so strong, it would surely last.

On Friday, we would be wearing our best clothes (under the black academic gown), the cap on our heads (hopefully not to mess our hairs). As we take a march to our seats, be in your best stand, keep your chin up. Nobody would care if they see us overflowing with pride and confidence. That would be our day. When you walk up that stage to receive the "diploma" and shake hands with those people on stage, raise that diploma up high in front of all the people and make sure to wear your best smile. Don't forget to take a picture, and show it to everyone who doubted you, who told you that you couldn't make it this far.

It's okay to feel like kings and queens. It's okay to feel like on top of the world. We've had 4 years of hard work and on Friday, it’s payback time. We're one step closer to our dreams.

One last thing. Just another stupid request from your class president. Don't forget about me. Don't forget about us. Don't forget about everything. Remember how we shared the moments that were now just fading memories.

Like what I said in my high school speech: "Take God as your inspiration, and you would have success as a realization of your dreams." No matter how much we struggled from the last 4 years or from all the years we've been in school, I know and I believe that life ahead is so much better. The future is so much brighter. Let's not be sad in parting ways, instead, let's all be glad and together let's celebrate a promising future that awaits us.

Good luck everyone. I will miss you all. Au revior.

Just Another Useless Wish

Have you ever wished that your life is perfect? You can buy
everything. You have a perfect family.

Well, I do.

It kills me everytime I see my mom on the verge of tears. And it's all
because it's not the same anymore. It's because everything has
changed.

The tears were the proof of the pain that comes with knowing that
we've got nothing left to lose. Literally. I had no idea how we
survived a whole year. And now, suddenly, everyone can't do it
anymore. Just when I was about to finish college. Just when I'm
desperate to get a job.

Everyone suddenly got tired of living this miserable life. And I'm
torn in the middle not knowing what to do.

I had all these dreams to make it all better. But it was like nobody
cares. I wonder if I would be able to graduate college now. I had no
money to pay for graduation. I can't even afford to finish my
internship. Just when there's only two weeks left of it.

I know somehow I had to make a decision. I should choose whether to go
until graduation or I could just stop right now. But either way, the
consequences were indeniable. If I continue, where would I get the
money for all the fees I had to pay? Where would I get an allowance to
continue my internship? But if I stop, my dreams will suffer.
Everything that I workhard for the last 4 years will be wasted.
Everyone will be disappointed. I will be the laugh in the
conversations. The high school salutatorian, the Dean's Lister who
wasn't even able to finish college when it's just a month and a half
away from graduation.

I'm being pathetic. But if you'd ever be in my situation, you'll feel the same.

The situation just became harder to bear because I had no friends
right now. I mean, they're away. I haven't seen much of them. And my
friends right now is not like my friends from highschool. I don't
know, but I find it hard to confide in them. I'm afraid they would
just laugh at me or that they won't even care if I miserable.

So it gets more painful...and I just wish I can survive.



-S-

Insecurity Alert

The thing about insecurity is that you never get over it. It stays
with you no matter how you try to deny it...no matter how much you try
to over come it.

It's still there. And you feel stupid about it. Because you're not
supposed to feel insecure anymore. You're supposed to be a grown up
who has confidence.

But confidence was never a friend. It's a traitor that leaves you when
you needed it the most. And then you're left with your best friend
insecurity, yet again.

Moments will come when you thought you've over come your insecurity.
But then one thing will happen that will make you realize that you
still got it. It's still there...even just in the back of your mind.

I realized that you never really get over insecurity. It builds up
inside you. The only thing you can do about it is to hide it...or at
least you try to. Though, it's really hard work, you should never let
others know how insecure or stupid you feel.

Well, maybe they say insecurity is for the weak. Who cares?! Everyone
have insecurities. Others are just experts at hiding it.

For the record, not because you're insecure, doesn't mean you're weak.
And confidence is not a symbol of being strong.



-S-

GirlNextDooritis

The thing about moving on is that I know it's all just words. I don't
really move on. I just tell everyone that I'm moving on because I
think that's what they wanted to hear...because I was supposed to be
moving on.

But truth is, I'm not. I'm not moving on because no matter how much I
tell myself to do it, to forget, to get on with my life, I know I
can't.

I know there's still this part of me that would want to see him, to
talk to him, to be with him. There's still this stupid girl that is so
in love with him.

I'm being honest here so I better tell everything. I don't care if he
reads this because I care for him too much. To tell you the truth,
since that day that he told me that he wanted to try to work out
things between us, I've been patiently waiting for him. I know it's
stupid to wait especially since it's been more than two years already.
But I'm willing to be stupid if it means waiting for him.

I'm still not sure if he really had feelings for me or if it's just a
ridiculous little attraction that never blossomed. But call me the
girl who falls for Mr. Slow-Motion. I'm not sure if it ever crossed
his mind that I've been pinning for him all this time. I don't know if
he even realize how much I care for him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate everything about him. But I
just can't. I just can't bring myself to hold a grudge against him.
How can I when my feelings for him is much stronger than the hate I
could ever feel?

I know. I know it's really, really crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But maybe I'm just crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. And I hate being crazy and stupid and ridiculous and
pathetic. But I think that's just how you're supposed to feel when
you're in love with a guy who doesn't love you back.


-S-

Inside is a Coward

People who don't know me so much may find me tough. They may say I'm
too strong that I can handle anything. But they don't know one thing
about me. If that's what they think then they don't know me at all.

They don't know the fact that I cry in my sleep every night. They
don't know that I shiver in fear behind their backs. They don't know
that behind the tough exterior is a weak coward underneath.

That's a thing about always having to be the strong one...no one ever
notices when you're not okay. No one cares for you because they know
you can handle yourself.

But they don't know about your fears...they don't know about your
tears...they don't know about the secrets that you spend so much time
to keep.


-S-

Feelimg Better Now

I feel infinite.

Well, that may not be an original line from me, but that's how I
feel... INFINITE.

It's like just by smiling, even to just myself, I'm feeling great. I'm
feeling totally complete. Like good vibes are so abundant and I'm
getting them all.

Maybe it's because God did not let me down. Well, He never let anyone
down. But still, He knew when to give the right things at the right
moment, even when I'm not asking.

I hope this optimism last forever. *wink*


-S-